Deputy

n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.

  "Chief Deputy," the Master cried,
  "To-day the books are to be tried
  By experts and accountants who
  Have been commissioned to go through
  Our office here, to see if we
  Have stolen injudiciously.
  Please have the proper entries made,
  The proper balances displayed,
  Conforming to the whole amount
  Of cash on hand—which they will count.
  I've long admired your punctual way—
  Here at the break and close of day,
  Confronting in your chair the crowd
  Of business men, whose voices loud
  And gestures violent you quell
  By some mysterious, calm spell—
  Some magic lurking in your look
  That brings the noisiest to book
  And spreads a holy and profound
  Tranquillity o'er all around.
  So orderly all's done that they
  Who came to draw remain to pay.
  But now the time demands, at last,
  That you employ your genius vast
  In energies more active.  Rise
  And shake the lightnings from your eyes;
  Inspire your underlings, and fling
  Your spirit into everything!"
  The Master's hand here dealt a whack
  Upon the Deputy's bent back,
  When straightway to the floor there fell
  A shrunken globe, a rattling shell
  A blackened, withered, eyeless head!
  The man had been a twelvemonth dead.

Jamrach Holobom