Money

A girl's private parts, commonly applied to little children: as, Take care, Miss, or you will shew your money.

n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property.

Question and Answer

  • Q. My good child, tell me what you believe in?
  • A. Money.
  • Q. What is money?
  • A. The all-ruling and all-powerful; the fountain of worldly wisdom and power.
  • Q. How is it worshipped?
  • A. By the daily sacrifice of time, talents, health, and virtue.
  • Q. What is this worship called?
  • A. Mammon.
  • Q. What is its chief rite?
  • A. Gammon.
  • Q. What is the chief ceremony?
  • A. Deceit.
  • Q. What are its principal festivals?
  • A. Dividend-days.
  • Q. What are its days of penance or fasting?
  • A. Days when no business is done.
  • Q. What are its feast-days?
  • A. City "Feeds."
  • Q. Where are its principal temples?
  • A. The Treasury , the 'Change , and the Bank .
  • Q. Who are its priests?
  • A. Whitewashed "black-legs."[3]
  • Q. What is virtue?
  • A. A name.
  • Q. What is Orthodoxy?
  • A. Cash.
  • Q. What is Heterodoxy?
  • A. Bills.
  • Q. What is Heresy?
  • A. "No effects."
  • Q. What is Schism?
  • A. "Call again to-morrow."
  • Q. What is Respectability?
  • A. Plenty of trade.
  • Q. What is Roguery?
  • A. Being in debt.
  • Q. What is Vice?
  • A. Misfortune.
  • Q. What is the greatest sin?
  • A. Poverty.
  • Q. What is the principal virtue?
  • A. Prompt payment.
  • Q. What are the principal blessings?
  • A. Loans.
  • Q. What should be our continual desire?
  • A. Good luck.
  • Q. For what our rejoicings?
  • A. Success.
  • Q. What is Morality?
  • A. Cent. per cent. profits.
  • Q. What is the Origin of evil?
  • A. A returned bill.
  • Q. What is the greatest evil?
  • A. Bankruptcy.
  • Q. What is our chance of escape from perdition?
  • A. "Taking the benefit."
  • Q. What is the Devil?
  • A. To be without money.
  • Q. Who are the chosen children of Mammon?
  • A. Those born with a "silver spoon."
  • Q. What is the true definition of good?
  • A. Solvency.
  • Q. What is the true definition of bad?
  • A. Insolvency.
  • Q. What is your duty to your friend?
  • A. To cheat him.
  • Q. What to the stranger?
  • A. To "take him in."
  • Q. What is Experimental Philosophy?
  • A. Going a borrowing.
  • Q. What is practical philosophy?
  • A. Being refused.
  • Q. What should be your chief consolation in old age?
  • A. Dying rich.
  • Q. What is the chief maxim of this creed?
  • A. Doing  every one, but suffering no one to do  you.
[3]Notwithstanding the "pretty considerable declension" of mercantile integrity, the character of the British merchant, both at home and abroad, still maintains its ascendency, and there are yet thousands of "merchant princes" who fully sustain the honour and glory of our native land. This satire is launched against the "cutting" commercials of the age.

Song."Argent comptant."

Parental Advice.—Rule I

Get money, my son, get money,
Honestly if you can;
It makes life sweet as honey—
My son, get money, get money!
Don't stand upon ceremony,
Or you may look mighty funny;
But make it your constant song,
Get money, get money, get money!
Money makes the mare to go, boy,
Where every path looks sunny.
Go it! my lad, through thick and thin;
Get money, get money, get money!

Rule II.—Take Care of No. I

No. I.—O! since the world was made from 0,
And since old Time began,
The maxim was, and still must be,
Take care of No. I.
Look at the "Times," our oracle,
As sure as any gun,
With hand upon the dial-plate,
It points to No. I.[2]
All men are fond of him, and for
His sake round earth will run,
And bustle, turmoil, rub, and scrape
For goodly No. I.
The soldier, who so gallantly
Hath battles nobly won,
Though bravely fighting, ever still
Takes care of No. I.
The mouthing prigs of Parliament,
With long yarns nightly spun,
Watch well for place and patronage,
And all for No. I.
And those who preach of charity,
Enough your ears to stun,
In making up their long accounts,
Take care of No. I.
One follows law, one physic serves,
As shadows serve the sun;
But briefs, and draughts, and boluses
All make for No. I.
And those that oft make love more sweet
Than cakes of Sally Lunn,
In all their ardour ever have
An eye to No. I.
In short, mankind, both young and old,
When serious or in fun,
From hour to hour, from day to day,
Take care of No. I.
The rich, the poor, both high and low,
Ay, every mother's son,
From Court to Poor-law Union,
Take care of No. I.
Too bad it is to be a bore,
And so my strain is done,
Except it is to say once more,
Take care of No. I.
The Man who takes care of No. 1

The man who takes care of No. 1.


[2]Any one wishing to observe this great lesson to all mankind set forth by the leading journal of Europe, has only to look at the little vignette at the top of the leading article of the "Times."